New Sparkles

I have a birthday coming up. I suppose it isn't so special, but it seems to be simply the last year of my "youth". I have always tended to be a drama queen about everything, especially age. On my 25th birthday, I cried the blues because I was a quarter of a century old and hadn't accomplished much in my life. Perhaps it was the lack of dream-achievement that got me going that year. Funny, I still haven't achieved those dreams I had back then, but I'm not bothered by them anymore. I have new dreams now, some of which I have partially accomplished, and some that I know I will never accomplish. That's okay. I will be 39 this year, this month, 8 days.

And for now, I'm going to swiftly change the subject due to my somewhat erratic thinking, and recall a time in my past. My second grade teacher was Mrs. Veenstra, a Dutch woman that never seemed to like me even though I was probably the best behaved student in her class. I was a good kid, never wishing to displease any adult, and in certain subjects, namely English, reading and spelling I was ahead of the rest. However, there were a couple of subjects that I got less than I should have for whatever reason, which I cannot recall, but due to my reserved nature, I probably had a habit of drifting off into "fairy land" and needed to be brought back to Mrs. V's classroom.

I remember a conference Mrs. Veenstra had with my Mother. Mom and I sat alone with her while she explained that I had some "N"s on my progress report. (I can only remember "N" as meaning "Not Good"). She turned to me at this conference and told me that she didn't like me when I got grades like this. I have never forgotten those words, of course.

I suppose that she didn't mean it quite the way I took it. Maybe her English was slow in that area and she meant that she didn't like the grades themselves, and had no intention to imply that she didn't like me personally, but as a child, I took it personally. Naturally, now I know better.

It was in her class that I lost my first tooth. It was in her class that I had an "accident" when I was not allowed to go to the restroom. Hers was the last class I had before we left California for the last time. Hers was the first class that tried to teach me anything about classical music. And now, hers is the one class that I must remember the most, because now, I am a second grade teacher.

I have given up retail for good, (I hope), and have gone into a school. There are 19 students in my class, all of them precious, albeit, not without their moments. I am certain that this will be the best job I have ever held because now, I am able to shape and mold young minds. I like the look in their eyes when they finally "get it", like the little girl that read a word by herself when she didn't think she could do it. I helped her to recall one of her consonant combinations and the vowel sound, and when she looked at the word and put it together, the realization hit her and you could see a great big smile light up her face. That's what I live for.

...and it doesn't matter that my specialty is music, or that most of my experience lies in another country and in other types of classrooms. It doesn't matter that most of my students are children of immigrants who have a hard time helping them with their homework because their own English is poor. But most of all, it doesn't matter that I am going to be 39 years old in 8 days. My students (my children) don't notice. They think I'm pretty and they give me "gifts" of love every day with their smiles, their drawings, and their "aha" moments of realization.

Jumping In With All Four

I used to have a cat (Sylvester) that enjoyed my company. In fact, he thought nothing of invading my personal space at any given time, especially when I was doing something important, such as typing on the computer or eating a sandwich. He was obsessed with the limelight and would persist in his attention-grubbing until someone...namely, me...would give it to him. He learned an interesting lesson, however, one day while I was taking a bath. He jauntily padded into the bathroom, giving me that little welcome "brrrrrrrt?" and popped up onto the side of the tub. I think that he must have been confused as to what might be keeping my hands from automatically reaching up to scratch his ears, so rather than waiting for me to decide whether or not I was going to pet him, he chose to come to me. This he did, much to the dismay of both of us. He jumped toward me, with all four paws which all landed in the water. As soon as he realized that the substance that I was sitting in was wet, he regretted his decision and made a mad dash toward reversing it as quickly as possible. Eyes as big as yellow saucers, he splashed back out of the tub, soaked from ear to tail, but not before leaving a couple of bleeding souvenirs on my leg, and then streaked out the bathroom door toward the living room where I'm sure he went to hide behind the sofa to shiver in silence. He never visited me in the bathroom again.

Sylvester and I have a lot in common. I have a tendency, also, to obssess about things that I'm interested in until I find that I've landed with all four paws in the midst of something that is overwhelming for me, and then I get frightened of it and run away. Sometimes its my religion; sometimes a hobby; sometimes even something as simple as a color scheme. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this. I see it in the customers in my store who come in to buy an item, but leave with five more items they didn't need simply because they matched the "theme" of the kitchen, or the color of the bedroom. It is the bigger things, however, that I do not share with the rest of the nation that bother me, though--the negative ones. I suffer from jealousy and depression, which usually obssess my mind like a constant drizzle. My family suffers from it, too, which is where the similarity to Sylvester's scratching me in the tub come in. I can't obssess about something without it affecting others around me in negative ways. So, it is my desire and my goal to conquer these obssessive behaviors and stop leaping before I look. I am hoping to find more time to write about it, but my life is tremendously chaotic at the moment, so I will have to simply remember it all, and mentally record it for a later time. I will prevail.

Dealing With Changes

We are in the midst of moving. We had decided that moving closer to my husband's work would be the best thing to do, and that I would transfer to another store. But, once we'd put down our deposit on a beautiful apartment in Houston, my husband lost his job, and we had to reverse our decision. However, after a month of stressful job-knocking, he has finally landed a better position in a sit-down, eat-in restaurant which I won't name...(But, I will say that I'm going to try to LIKE pancakes now). We are, indeed, going to move into the apartment we wanted by the end of this month. YIPPEE! (It's bigger and has more storage!)

I will not, however, be transferring to another store because of my going back and forth so much asking for it over the month. There had been an opportunity in a store nearer to the new place, but I lost it when we had originally thought that we were not leaving Pasadena. So, now I will drive back and forth from Houston to "Stinkydena" every day.

Right at the moment, my living room is a mountain of boxes, but it should only take a couple of car loads and a couple of pickup loads to get everything moved. We still don't have a lot of furniture as living in this little efficiency apartment ("efficiency" is just another name for "closet") doesn't give us much room to expand. I do, however, appreciate what we do have, because everything we have is the grace and goodness of our beloved creator.

Through all of this last thirty or so days, I've learned to be a little more patient with my life, as I have come to the conclusion (finally) that life ISN'T going to give me everything I want (which wasn't necessarily material), and that happiness, when sought in other people or intangible things, will certainly be ripped away and kept from me. The only REAL place that happiness lies is within my own heart, as weird as it is, and that I have the choice, every moment to either be happy or hold a grudge against life.

When we had believed that we would be staying in Pasadena, I was disappointed, but circumstances had me pinned to the ropes. I learned quickly, (and quietly, I might add) to accept it, and move on. I had larger issues at hand, anyhow. I was needed to support my husband while he frantically searched for work, and to soothe him when he became so depressed that he was ready to sell everything and go back home to Egypt...with or without me. It was a tough month, and we haven't come to the road just yet. We still have to get ourselves relocated, which we will only just begin this weekend, and then we will both be working odd hours trying to put it all back together again. We've been through the darkest hours, however, and the rest will be much easier.

In the Quiet Zone

I have found much success by meditating lately. It seems to help me clear my head and change dangerous systems of thought that could potentially cause further depression within me or ruin my relationship (or both). I find that I have been able to forgive myself for SOME of my idiosyncracies (while I'm still working on the more difficult ones), and at the same time forgive another person whose poor choices had caused me much sorrow throughout most of my life. It was in the realization that I CHOSE that sorrow for myself, rather than releasing it. I had harbored such anger and shame (mixed with all kinds of other undesireable emotions) for so long that only caused me misery, and it is now such a nice feeling to think of that person and remember good times and special moments rather than dwell on things that happened because of this person's own sorrow. I may never get a chance to speak with this person again, but at least I can say that I feel only love and compassion now.

I rather relish those moments when I can sneak in that quiet time to reflect or meditate. There is such peace at these times and I am wishing that I can get to that place where the rough days would be smoother as I implement the practices I'm learning through them. Dealing with stress, my past, regrets and relationship issues all at once seems overwhelming sometimes, but the only way to overcome all those evils is to face them and conquer them. I understand that most of my "issues" come from my low self-esteem, and that low self-esteem came from things that happened in my past, things that compiled one upon the other until I became the blubbering mess that led to my search for peace. Finding the solution is often like untangling a mess of knotted threads. One by one, I am able to follow a thread through to its other end and pull it free from the rest. The more threads I free, the easier, I find, I can free the others.

Therefore, I will continue to run (not walk) to my quiet zone, where I can think more logically, less emotionally, and encounter peace upon blessed peace, where, in the end, I will find myself.

Accepting Compliments

I finally figured out something quite interesting about myself from having been diligently seeking for my peace and place in this world. I don't like receiving compliments, although I need to learn. Much thought went into WHY that might be, and for the longest time, I could not come up with an answer. FINALLY, it hit me today when one of my customers at work kept complimenting me on my hair. I don't trust anyone who compliments me. Somehow I have got it in my head that there is either some sort of ulterior motive to the compliment, (wanting something from me), or that they are complimenting me outwardly while meaning something completely different on the inside. In my "youth" (I'm not THAT old), it was my experience to have been complimented by people only to have them spread rumors or make fun of me after the fact, and if it appeared that a compliment was genuine it usually turned out to be a method of fishing for something. Over the years, I became accustomed to not truly accepting a compliment for what it was, and I even have trouble doing that with my husband.
I guess at this point, it would be good for me to try to look at things a little differently and rather than immediately discounting a kind word as malice, accept it with grace and get on with life.

Just Reminding Myself

Happiness,

Peace,

Joy,

Love,

Trust

Are found in the present moment.

I often have to remember that the only way that I can keep the yucky undesireables from taking over my mind is to experience each moment one at a time. When I try to worry about what has happened "to me", what has not come to pass for me, or what I should or shouldn't have done or said in any given situation, I fail to benefit from the blessing of the moment, that of being, right here and right now, alive and still capable of hope.

I have come a long way in the last few days from thinking the world was going to fall around me and I would be, once more, abondoned, or rejected, or taken advantage of, to the beginning stages of believing that all will be well. I often fear the worst in any situation, worrying incessantly that my wonderful husband has/is/will leave me for another woman, and my jealousy had become so out of hand that I was seriously on the track to completely throwing away a beautiful thing. I don't know exactly when it all started, but it crept up on me one day a few months back, and leaped like a raging tiger, clenching its awful jaws around my heart and not letting go. For the last few weeks, I've been diligently researching the subject of marital jealousy and working on myself, reading much, listening much, meditating much. One thing I've learned about it all is that low self-esteem has everything to do with it. I have good days and bad days, but lately, I've been seeing some sunshine peek out from behind the clouds, and I really feel that, besides being still teachable, I'm seeing a bit of progress. There's still a long way to go, and in the meantime, I also must keep myself from pushing too hard on my husband, as the direction a jealous person pushes, is generally out the door.

There is so much in my life that I have to let go of in order to accomplish this great task of trust; things done to me, things I've done, things I regret not doing, etc. However, as stated above, the moment is all that matters...not what's gone before or what we fear may happen in the future. Only right now.

The Present Moment

Everything I am lives in the present moment.
Everything up till now that I have experienced in my life, good or bad,
Is with me.
These things can continue on with me, unchanged, as I face the next moment,
Or I can let them go.
Letting go does not mean that I leave my bad experiences behind.
Letting go simply means that I change my perspective of them,
Accept them as a part of me,
But not let them control me.
They do not have to be skeletons in my closet.
I would like to look at them as "threads in my tapestry".
In this present moment,
I release one more thing into the tapestry,
And become...